Landscaping complete.

We tore out the landscaping in the front of our house about 2 weeks before Cassidy arrived a month early. Since then, our house has pretty much looked like it's been in foreclosure ... our neighbors must love us! We finally picked out our new landscape materials last week, had them delivered on Wednesday, and got down to business on Saturday and Sunday (instead of going to French Quarter Fest). So here's our new front yard!

Now we just hope that our new palms don't get blown down this hurricane season!

Happy Easter

Without family here, we decided to spend our easter in the french quarter. We started the day with breakfast at Elizabeth's in the bywater, then made our way into the quarter. We enjoyed some shopping on Royal street and a stop for coffee, nursing, and a diaper change at a coffee shop with a great courtyard.

We made our way down Decatur and stopped at Jackson square for a quick photo.

And then wrapped things up with a shared oyster po'boy.

The weather held out for us all day in spite of predicted thunderstorms, but the wind tuckered all of us out.

We hope you enjoyed your Easter as much as we enjoyed ours!

Happy Easter!

Guilt

I'm making the adjustment to being a mommy, really I am. But the amount of guilt I feel everyday since returning to work is astonishing... not guilt over not being with Cassidy, but guilt about not being at work enough, and when I am there, not working efficiently.

I've been working at the same job since 1998, right out of college. And I've continued at this job this long for one reason and one reason only... I like my boss ... heck, I moved 1000+ miles to continue working for him. I imagine it'd be nearly impossible to find someone as understanding of life outside of work as him. During my entire career, he's never kept track of time off, whether it's for sick time, vacation, or just free time. I roll into work between 9 and 9:30am, and leave when I've finished my experiments for the day, whether that be 3pm or 8pm. We've had people in our lab who have grossly abused this freedom and I've frowned upon that ... and vowed never to be one of those people. I've always been careful to keep track of my time off myself and genuinely tried not to abuse these perks that come with the job. I've almost always made up for days I leave early by staying late another night, or coming in on a weekend whenever necessary.

Over the past year, I've missed work quite a bit during my pregnancy with various complications, then for 4 months after Cassidy arrived a month early, and another week for this most recent surgery and various doctor's appointments. Now I've got to tack on all the days coming up that daycare is closed, which seems a ridiculous amount.

I'm completely stressed about missing work and I dread telling my boss, again, that I won't be in for one reason or another; not because he's ever made an issue of it ... I just feel guilty. I also feel completely unproductive while I'm at work. I have a difficult time concentrating. I make stupid mistakes that I never used to make. My experiments are not working. I am unproductive.

I'm trying to remind myself that I've been productive for 10 years. I'm trying to cut myself some slack and assume that this is just an adjustment period I'm in. But I also ask myself "Am I just making excuses for my lack of effort, or am I truly struggling to adjust?"
"Is it ever okay to 'take it easy', to not give 100%?"
"Or is this my new 100%?"
I don't think I can accept that, yet I am struggling to give more ...

Last Week

For lack of any ambition to organize my thoughts and put this into an entertaining narrative of some sort, here's a quick look at what's been going on since my last post.

• Found out that percocet makes me completely high and unable to function. I don't remember this from the csection, but my doc switched me over to vicodin when I got a refill and I was in a pretty foggy haze anyway with the lack of sleep and brewing infection, so maybe that's why I don't recall this.

• Cassidy discovered her feet but has yet to put one in her mouth.

• Got the all clear from the pediatrician on Cassidy's lungs, but her nose is still ridiculously snotty and congested. We stopped the steroid treatments, as of yesterday we've decreased her NEB treatments to twice a day, and hopefully will decrease to once a day next week.
  
• Cassidy got her 6 month vaccines.

• We've started Cassidy on green vegetables... mmmmm. peas. And we are working on her "pincher grasp" by introducing cheerios. Cassidy's doing great at picking them up, but she rarely manages to get one into her mouth. When she does, she wrinkles her forehead, looks like she's about to cry, and sticks out her tongue which the cheerio is stuck to. It's hilarious!
  
  
• Cassidy cut her first tooth! We didn't even realize it until the pediatrician pointed it out because you can't really see it yet, but you can definitely feel it.
  

• I was again reminded of how lucky I am to have parents who are such a huge part of our lives. The past week would have been much more difficult without you here to help with Cassidy while I'm unable to lift her. Thank you so much Mom and Dad.

Recovering again.

Monday's surgery went pretty well. The doctor found two other "holes" that he needed to repair in my abdomen wall as well as the large defect he knew about, so it's probably a really good thing I had the surgery. He ended up putting in a larger piece of mesh than he initially planned to reinforce the abdomen wall and take care of the other two areas at the same time.

The procedure went well, and aside from a major wave of nausea following a second pain pill before going home, recovery has been good. I made it home monday afternoon without any puking and spent the remainder of monday in the chair in the living room. Tuesday I spent most of the morning napping and resting in bed, with the exception of a trip to daycare with my dad to pick up Cassidy in the afternoon. Of course it was during this brief time I was gone that the surgery center called to check on me. The woman was shocked when my mom said I wasn't home! Mom said I am doing fine and reassured her that I'm not driving or lifting Cassidy. I'm taking one percocet every 6 hours or so, and I'd say it's more discomfort than pain ... it feels like I did way too many abdominal exercises.

I have a follow-up appointment with the surgeon in two weeks, on April 14. Until then, I'm supposed to leave the bandage on and refrain from lifting more than 10-12 lbs. This includes Cassidy, which is the hardest part. I started nursing again after waiting 24 hours after the procedure to allow all of the anesthesia to clear my system, even though the anesthesiologist said this wasn't really necessary.

I'll add some before and after pictures after the bandage comes off.