I'm making the adjustment to being a mommy, really I am. But the amount of guilt I feel everyday since returning to work is astonishing... not guilt over not being with Cassidy, but guilt about not being at work enough, and when I am there, not working efficiently.
I've been working at the same job since 1998, right out of college. And I've continued at this job this long for one reason and one reason only... I like my boss ... heck, I moved 1000+ miles to continue working for him. I imagine it'd be nearly impossible to find someone as understanding of life outside of work as him. During my entire career, he's never kept track of time off, whether it's for sick time, vacation, or just free time. I roll into work between 9 and 9:30am, and leave when I've finished my experiments for the day, whether that be 3pm or 8pm. We've had people in our lab who have grossly abused this freedom and I've frowned upon that ... and vowed never to be one of those people. I've always been careful to keep track of my time off myself and genuinely tried not to abuse these perks that come with the job. I've almost always made up for days I leave early by staying late another night, or coming in on a weekend whenever necessary.
Over the past year, I've missed work quite a bit during my pregnancy with various complications, then for 4 months after Cassidy arrived a month early, and another week for this most recent surgery and various doctor's appointments. Now I've got to tack on all the days coming up that daycare is closed, which seems a ridiculous amount.
I'm completely stressed about missing work and I dread telling my boss, again, that I won't be in for one reason or another; not because he's ever made an issue of it ... I just feel guilty. I also feel completely unproductive while I'm at work. I have a difficult time concentrating. I make stupid mistakes that I never used to make. My experiments are not working. I am unproductive.
I'm trying to remind myself that I've been productive for 10 years. I'm trying to cut myself some slack and assume that this is just an adjustment period I'm in. But I also ask myself "Am I just making excuses for my lack of effort, or am I truly struggling to adjust?"
"Is it ever okay to 'take it easy', to not give 100%?"
"Or is this my new 100%?"
I don't think I can accept that, yet I am struggling to give more ...
Dear Jen, You have been so faithful and I am sure that your boss understands. I know how you feel. Your frustration over 'job guilt' shows how dedicated and hard working you really are and I am sure that is a testimony as to the care your take in your work. That is so rare these days with people looking for the next vacation day or moments of time off they can 'steal' without care for the quality of work they put out. You will be able to get more time to show your boss your dedication as Cassidy grows, just let this time be what it must be, a sharing time of you...I know that is badly put, but you have become a 'multiple personality' as all moms must become and you can not beat yourself up because of it. Take heart, my friend, you are among the many who adjust and become the women we were meant to be. The servants and hard workers that God really equipped us be. Thank you for your writing. I read and cry along with you. With love, ellen
ReplyDeleteAh, always a struggle, especially being on the other side as a "non parent" for so long, right?
ReplyDeleteI had a friend that I taught with who would always rush in at the last minute and leave at the first bell, but the time she was at work she worked quite hard to make up for all of those "mom" things that pulled her away from working more.
I think if you can get your focus in the time you're there, that would be enormous. I completely understand the inability to do that though with all of the arrangements and hospital visits we had leading up to conception I always had other things to do at work other than work.
And I hope you aren't trying to do it all. Let Jeff be your partner. Dads should be (and are by law) granted some more flexibility at work as well.
Good luck...we can commiserate over a hot tea!
It will even out. I still feel guilty - really guilty - but I also know that it gets better. Promise!
ReplyDeleteI also have had to accept that there are certain things I simply don't have the energy to manage any more. I make stupid mistakes. I hate it, my perfectionist nature recoils, but at this stage of life, I'm ok giving 95% because it takes turns. One day I'm 100% mom, others I'm 100% worker.
Don't get lazy (ha! As if you ever would!) but also give yourself grace to adjust. It will work out long term.